The Glib Factor - Segment 12: Oui, Oui, Oui
By A.D. Freudenheim  

8 February 2004

Agence Frog Press – Paris, France – 8 February 2004 – On the heels of the French Parliament’s consideration of a new law reinforcing the integrity and primacy of the secular French state – legislation that will prohibit conspicuous displays of religiosity in public schools and offices – comes a new law designed to reinforce the homogeneity of France itself. Cleverly titled the “Oui, Oui, Oui” bill, the new legislation rests on five core principles that will “make France even more French than those fru-fru academics at the French Academy can imagine,” said the bill’s co-sponsor, Jean Marie Le Pen. French President Jacques Chirac, the bill’s other sponsor, concurred, saying that with the new law in effect, right-thinking French men and women “will no longer even have to worry about whether someone wears a headscarf for religious reasons because such dilemmas will not exist.”

The “Oui, Oui, Oui” legislations five founding principles are elegantly straightforward and cost-effective, ensuring that at a time of economic uncertainty for France and much of the Euro area, no greater financial demands will be placed on the secular French state than are absolutely necessary. In fact, Le Pen and Chirac expect that some of the costs will be carried by non-governmental French institutions that will benefit from the new law, such as the Roman Catholic Church and the Alliance Francaise du Surgeons Cosmetique (French Alliance of Cosmetic Surgeons). The five principles are:

1. All French citizens and registered, visa-holding foreign-nationals must convert to Catholicism within 90 days. Said M. Le Pen, “This solves completely the problem of conflicting and confusing displays of religion: French men will always know that the young lass covering her head is merely protecting her hairdo from the elements, and that she is still entirely open to being approached and asked out on a date, or available for a friendly fuck. And we all know what Frank Zappa sang about Catholic Girls.” The Church has offered to pay the costs for all conversions provided they have full rights to the convert’s soul after death.

2. All registered, visa-holding foreign-nationals must submit to cosmetic surgery to have their noses fixed to reflect one of 12 possible traditional Gallic styles – or prove, via an in-person visit to their local city hall that their nose already meets such standards. All French citizens whose lineage post-dates the revolution of 1789 must undergo similar surgery. The government will refund 35% of the cost of this surgery, upon receipt of an official, notarized portrait showing the new nose style in both frontal and profile views; this subsidy is, in fact, paid out of dues from the Alliance Francaise du Surgeons Cosmetique, which expects gross receipts to rise strongly during this period as customers have other, non-subsidized surgery performed at the same time. Other French citizens whose lineage pre-dates 1789 but wish to have the surgery performed may do so, and receive a 50% subsidy. Surgeries must be completed within 120 days for adults; children are permitted to wait until their 17th birthday, when cranio-facial growth has largely stopped. President Chirac was quoted as saying that he expects “the Charles de Gaulle nose to be the most popular among men with Semitic origins,” given its relative protuberance.

3. All French citizens and registered, visa-holding foreign-nationals whose skin is darker than a traditional olive complexion must undergo skin bleaching to lighten their tones. A National Skin Tone chart will be provided, to take into account differences in standard skin tone between French people living in southern areas such as along the Riviera, and those in northern parts of the country. Office workers and others whose jobs keep them away from natural sunlight must achieve whiteness.

4. No non-French languages may be spoken in public, by anyone at any time. As President Chirac laughingly said of this principle, “Il n'y a rien à discuter.” [“There is nothing to discuss.”]

5. Lastly, and perhaps most controversially: Every school child must eat [at least] one croissant per day, while anyone seen eating so-called “French fries” will be fined 200 Euros. Both M. Le Pen and President Chirac brushed aside concerns that croissants are just as bad for children’s health as French fries – and that French fries are, in fact, of French origin.

“Les jeux sont fait,” said the President Chirac. “It is time for France to move on with being French and this is the best method we know. My critics are saying that with an estimated 5 million Muslims and a few hundred Jews in France, this law does not support a secular French state but rather a discriminatory one. We Frenchmen disagree. If France is to be French, then women must be uncovered and immodest in the French style, food must taste French, men must look French, and the sound of French must fill our ears and our mouths. I ask you, how can a France for the French possibly be discriminatory? This is an oxymoron! If it worked for the Germans, well, it will work for us too.”

Anyone unwilling to comply with these five principles will be immediately deported to the United States of America, where the non-French have traditionally been welcomed. Those so choosing may also apply for Gastarbeiter (Guest Worker) status in Germany – and those of Turkish origin are encouraged by the French government to do so anyway.

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